", "I'm posh but I don't take any stick for it. Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. If you don't like it, go in the other room. ", “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. Q: Erin, spell mouse. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. In need of a quick comedic pick-me-up? ", © Stephen Barnes/Entertainment / Alamy Stock Photo, "My favourite pub game is snooker. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" Canadian three-dollar coin: ... article that MIT had invented a new chess computer program that predicted "pawn to queens rook four" is always the best opening move. A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Well, I guess that settles it! I said, 'Forget the chicken; give me a lobster. Look no further than our pick of the best jokes in the world.Howl as Garry Shandling delves into his 'personal stash' for us. A: Wasabi! “I went through 
between the blinks.”. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars! Any drugs?' '""You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. The widow nods. “To... Two ships collided. But I can't believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone. Following is our collection of Football jokes which are very funny. The coin's creator tells us how the joke became real and if he has regrets. ", “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” - Robin Williams“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. Left-handed people do not like that the word 'left' is so often associated with negative things: Two left feet, left-handed compliments, 'What are we having for dinner?' Watching it unfold was like watching my father being molested by a clown. ", On misogyny:“I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. A: The outside. That’s what women are dealing with. I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. All the passengers were marooned. “Look at that. When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. The first few takes and my father would come out just eyes and teeth in the background. Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a … – Rhod Gilbert“My husband’s penis is like a semicolon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”“We live in a society that considers any relationship that doesn't last until your death a failure. According to a new report, adverse side effects occurred in over 3,000 women who used Botox last year—none of whom seemed surprised. 'Leftovers.' A: It makes good cents. But that's just a generational thing, like racism and never indicating. At the outset of this article, let’s start with the fact that Tesla’s purchase of bitcoin was in the best interest of the company. ""I’m left-handed. Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up? And I said, 'Hey it's my thumb, it's my ass. ""Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Thanks for watching. How fast were you planning on going? Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: The poop deck. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody; it was a Chinese restaurant. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that … I thought: 'Fair enough, that makes sense.' 'I have a sweet tooth.' Do you really want music in the shower? The library must be full of them. “I didn’t,” he said. For South Africa to achieve that kind of black-white wealth gap, we had to construct an entire apartheid state denying blacks the right to vote or own property. '""A man walked into the doctor's. It's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the grim reaper.”, "Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. Is anyone going, 'Bingo, you got me, I didn't see that question coming. Beano's ludicrous selection of penguin jokes will defrost any icy vibes! Laurel and Hardy." There are some football referee jokes no one … The man replied, 'I know. I want as much corrective apparatus on my head as I can possibly get. Penny: Really? But you, you did it without even trying. I thought to myself, 'Jesus Christ, if motherfuckers knew much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.' What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A: Just a brief moment! ", “If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”"People who like trance music are very persistent. A: One was a salted! Sourced from Reddit, Twitter, and beyond! '", On race inequality in the US: “What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns. A: Tooth hurty. - Richard Pryor, "I was just offered a job in Palestine. A: Because he had cold feet. So I sent them a letter back. Did I want to go through it all again? There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle, Presenting Noah and Barbour’s wet-weather-beating collection, Why Tanqueray is the perfect gin for all your Christmas cocktails. ""It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. Now, I'll be honest. Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. Adam Hills"I was in my car driving back from work. In Germany, we don't have to swear. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively. – Eddie Izzard“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” – Ken Cheng“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. Reason being, things work." “You have one of the most stressful border controls I've ever come into in my life. ""I like rice. Then they’d adjust the lighting and my dad would be beautifully lit, but my mom looked like an apparition.”, On Donald Trump:"Monday July 16th was maybe the strangest of all 542 bizarre days of Donald Trump's reign of error. – Simon Munnery"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got some cream for that.”. He was just going through a stage. I call that a good day. I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' They gave me $25,000 in cash. They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, be lucky.’”"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. One time I did a real good set and these motherfuckers called me into the back room. Q: Why was the dead man not courageous? A best friend will help you move a body. And he brought me this lobster. Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? I said, 'Well give me the winner. Q: What kind of tree has a hand? When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well. And try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.”, “My mixed family looks like a ghost and a shadow made love and I was the result. "If you’re wondering whether Vladimir Putin has an incriminating video of Donald Trump, we now know beyond a treasonable doubt that he does. '""I had glasses at 10, braces at 12. ""I will never understand why they cook on TV. - Kenneth Williams"I'm not addicted to cocaine. "This wasn't a good day for Donald Trump. He said, 'It should be; it's been dead two weeks.' She read hers out: 'One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.' I used to work for an origami company until it folded. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. And a bit later we're off to the MEN Arena. they asked. And gird your sides for a rip-roaring hysterical hit list.Assembled without recourse to taste or decency from the grandest old masters and hippest young gag slingers, here's our guide to the best jokes in the world. So good night. No, I don't want to feel the one good thing we're allowed as humans. A: Because he had a cold heart. I am over 18. Never been that terrified in my life. I replied. And the man responded, "Yale." How about a hearing aid? And get a bone density test. Oh, so you're ordering it for your tooth, that's interesting. And we probably should have known how this was going to go, based on this, because right off the bat [shows clip] you can see here Trump looks over at Putin as they sit down in front of the media and gives him a little wink. They're relentless. Want a drink? I said, 'Not only that,' I said. Does that sound right? Look no further! I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition. Q: What did the red light say to the green light? What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Let's have some cake! A: He had dead aim. A: You look flushed. Please. '""I'm not willing to say how I feel about anything. – Paddy Lennox"A spa hotel? While all the Jews are saying, 'Have you eaten yet? I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve and a big sign will up come that says: 'Level Two'. '""My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. ""According to most studies, people's No.1 fear is public speaking. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns. I'm just honoured to be witnessing your process?' - Alan Carr"Ain't no pickpocket trying to steal my suitcase. A: They both got 6 months. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. “Thanks to you, I’ve pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails.”. Both his arms were completely broken. - Ronnie Corbett"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I." 'Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?' The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. Then I dropped out of the race. I needed a yob.". Apparently I owe them $800. "“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.”, “How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.”, “Feminism is not a fad. The doctor said, 'It's old age.' '", "I was in bed with this woman and she said, 'Hey, not in the ass.' The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. A: M O U S. The best jokes in the world from the likes of Amy Schumer, Tommy Cooper, Dave Chappelle, Trevor Noah and many more. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row. A big list of government jokes! I thought, I've got the better deal here: 'One, your sister...'""A Geordie said to me, 'Are yous looking at us?' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success. A man came in to give his application to the manager. The guy looks at me as says: 'So you're a comedian, you don't look funny.' A: A palm tree. - Gary Delaney, "I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. I handed her the penny. 'Where you off to tonight? The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. But the manager asked, "Why is there a four-year gap in your application?" It’s not like Angry Birds. Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day. Aloha. I’m thinking about talking to a girl for the very first time in my life. Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? It's like, 'See if you can blow this out. All sorts of reasons. The manager hired him and the guy said, "Thanks. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card." You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. A: Corny ones. Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating. '""If you mention the idea of homebirth to someone of an older generation, they're always instantly mistrustful. Let's have a drink!' That would have served us well. Dogecoin, a cryptocurrency created in 2013 as a joke, recently broke a $10 billion market cap. Thanks a lot. I didn't have to come out to my parents as black. So I was making love to this woman in the ass...", "I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' But the meal was marred... A man is at the funeral of an old friend. '", "Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theatre tonight. Reportedly, Trump wanted to meet with Putin alone because he didn't want his advisers to see him naked, which is natural. But the meal was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge. 1. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries. The term originates from the English word ‘comic’ and can be understood without transl... / The best jokes (comics and images) about comics (+27989 … - Billy Connolly"Specialisation means that everyone becomes better and better at less and less and eventually someone will be superb at f***-all." ", "Belinda Carlisle sings, 'We dream the same dream.' A. We're off to Man United. So at one point I stopped and I said: 'Look man I've given you the paperwork, I've told you why I'm here, why don't you believe me?'
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